JackoDiamonds

Well it certainly has been a while hasn't it? i am long overdue to begin again. So i shall. Words....words have shouldered their way into my life for as long as i can remember. There have been a few occasions when i have been word hungry...as a child i udes to read dictionaries for my own amusement and as a midling learning arabic i did the same.....but the curious thing about words is that there come times when we never seem to be able to find the right ones.....desciding points....turning points...when the phase, properly turned might save you............


i always seem to miss them.

well...frequently at least. but the even more curious thing about words is that when you take a bunch of them piled together, such as the Book, or the writings of Socrates or Kant, there sometimes comes a significant emotional experience....a change of events....and likewise no matter how many words that us forward....sometimes our own words can't hold us from change.

so what is left?

Deeds....

'actions speak louder than words' ?? perhaps...
but one thing i have come to understand is...

only if someone is listening
receptive
open
...

so where am i?

again at the beginning....and God willing, there is truth near

i think that i shall finally find some of what i seek soon.....
....life is enormously beautiful and so much greater than i
that being said...sooner or later, love always finds us

"It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy. For the Scripture say to Pharaok: "I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed to all the earth" Therefore, God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whome he wants harden."

Well...where to begin. Distance....sometimes its an inmesurable gap. Not that it so incredibly wide, but sometimes we have no points of reference. Well, after last night, and a heart-wrenching conversation, i feel that i finally have at least a few. There is so much in my life right now that has changed and that has also changed my perspective over the last year. I have learned regret...and perhaps shame. I know that i cannot ignore taking resposibility for some of the gaps in my life. After all, even within God's plan, we are all asnwerable to the consequence. Reap and sew. The hardest part of this all, is that i do not have an abundance of references from my own experience. So i find my self trully at the Lord's mercy. His Grace has saved me and i am eternally grateful for that. The hard part is still ahead, and that is coming to understand His Will. I have faith that i will figure it out eventually...if you have a moment, spare a prayer for my Beloved for guidance and solace...well, talk to you all later.

What is it that gives a culture a right to exist. I submit....nothing. The is no edict or dictate that states that simply because a culture, value set or ehtic exists that it has an inate right to existence. In fact, i believe that it is our own responsibility to weed out all cultures till we arrive at a pure ethical one. A few historical points in case. Both Mongolia and Imperial chinabelieved that that best way to accomplish their own goals at a nation was at the consumption rather than the absorbtion of other peoples. A more modern historical perspective perhaps could be Nazi Germany, where the Jewish people became a whipping-post and a scape-goat for the trials and tribulations of the bavarians. Another modern example is the Iraqis, where threachery and thieviery is not only the common practice, but is the best means of primacy in a culture steeped in both cultural and religious propaganda. I say this not as an observer, but as one who has seen the bloody results......the question i ponder, is what of america?

I have recently made a vow to myself. I really need to get back into my writing. To often recently i have dodged it all. I am not sure whether anything worthwile will come of it. But, hey, it is at least an outlet for me. So much in my life right now is coming to another turning point, I wonder how it shall all come out....well, regardless, i know it will all be good...of that i am certain.

One wonders what the source of lonliness is. Is it external or internal? I have been struggling with this for quite some time. Mainly because not only have i been hurled into one of the most lonely experiences of my life, but also because one extremely dear to my heart was hurt, and disheartened by it. How much does what we do in life depend upon the others we are with, the ones we share it? Answers seem a far distance between my grasping hands. I do not seek to find blame or even some super philosophical answer. I am mearly curious as to what are the things that trully tie us to one being or another. The elements that bind our hearts in need, desire or want....and where do we lie within those bounds. Recently, for obvious reasons, i have felt disconnected. Not exactly a strange thing concidering that I have had my DUTY and that was my lunch...but now that i am stepping aside from it, i see life continuing on around me, and a part of my heart is wondering how much of it is continuing on without me...or maybe i am simply seeking my new place...life folds...i have figured out that much...it lays upon itself. Missed opportunities are seldom the sole path through a door. But i cannot help but wonder what i am missing now...the future is a tumbling, burdonsome and beautiful thing...what does it have in store...guess the first law is still in affect...

God as my witness.
i simply miss her.

shan't be long.

to all of you..good night and God Bless

to Milday
aaf

ps: share your thoughts

Hey ya'll,

Believe it or not, but i am on the verge of returning to my beloved homeland. Right now i am sitting in a rather crowded internet cafe, in a dusty corner of Camp Arifjan, kuwait. It's been a long ride for me. So much has changed over the past year, and i am still working through much of my journey in my head. For those whom are less informed, i just spent the last year in Iraq, in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom. OIF...an interesting name, and to be quite honest it is probably the best name that could be placed upon it. ...but i won't get into politics quite yet.

I have had a chance to experience a great many things during this year deployment. My beloved said to me, "well it must have been fun."....and i know exactly what she meant. but i am too close to the end of it all to have a clear head about it. All i can think of right now is home. One thing this deployment taught me is "treasure what you treasure". Seeing the daily lives of the iraqi people. The trials, the anger, the simple celebrations, the rituals, the joys, the hate...all of it..forced me to an earnest realization that americans are spoiled.
and all i wanted was home.
it's hard to explain to a people that you are hear to help, when they are trained to believe you are liars...and while the american soldier is an excellent fighting unit, the average infantry man is not known to be diplomatic...so from the beginning, until even today, we are in a constant cultural struggle with iraq. the saddest part is that we shouldnt be....
after all,
we just want peace, as odd as that may sound coming from a soldier
and i am tired.

And yet..

I am gratefully humbled.

for this deployment has also brought me closer to understanding more about myself and what i desire. And more importantly, i came to understand who the truest heros of warfare are. they are the families back at home..the ones we love...our friends..all those precious ties that keep us sane...Babydoll, i hope you read this, because you are my heroine. thank you for all the trials, burdens and pains that you have had to bear for my sake....someone once said that 'it's hard to love a soldier.' and with all the seemingly endless crap and constant uncertainty the army drives you through, i know it must be true. Milady, thank you for it all.

And if you are reading this, and you know someone who is supporting a soldier, airman, seaman, or marine that is overseas, please thank them as well...for they make it all so much easier.

well, its late and i am fading
hope to write more again soon

Milady-aaf, ilymtyk

Tree & Ten--love you guys and miss you
Lin--keep up the good thoughts..and i am curious as to what other additions there will be to your book list.

I am so grateful right now.....I will be home soon...at that is an interesting thing...home...My concept of it has changed so much since I have joined the military. Home..to me right now, Home is a beautiful, creative, emotional, wonderful, exciting, crazy, fussy, warm handful of a woman named Maschil...I realize that home has come to mean love and accpetance to me...not just a place, but people. So many of my friends and family are now Homes to me. But the place where I feel most at home is where ever I am when I have her at my side.

almost home Babydoll
ilymtyk

So much seems to be shifting under my feet. I wonder whether I am being complacent or simply satisfied with the moment that I find myself. Either way, it seems of no moment, for so much is coming to change. So often I have been able to simply act without great concideration towards the future. And yet, I realize that this is perhaps a folly. Have I been deluding myself for so long. I think perhaps I have. Forgive me, but she makes me want things, new ambitions. Confidence stands by me and does not escape me in those moments of half-need. I am standing as a man. I am not even certain I am making a great deal of sense, or for that matter where this thread of thought is leading. Simply stated, I realize that I have adventures still left and goals to achieve, and I believe that now is the moment to begin my step towards them....complacent no more.
Dreams bind us all. Our hopes for both our own futures and those of the ones we love...I gots dis feelin inside dat tells me it's gonna be great.

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Gotta love this goofiness.....love you are far22much fun